Glimmering Memory

I cannot explain it, but there is something about it. I find it really masculine when I look over at him driving. Could it be his side profile? I do find it immaculate, especially when the sun hits his face. I sometimes catch the shy hints of hazel in his iris. Perhaps it is his singing. Driving brings out the karaoke-diva hidden deep within him. He sounds awful! However, I find that sound sweet. It means he is in a good mood. I love it when My Baby is happy. He would dance too, hands off the steering wheel and everything. My heart sinks a little because I dread the idea of dying in a car. He knows this. 

After his little performance, he'd always look over. I've never asked him why, but I think it's to see my smile. Whether I join in or not, in the end, I always look over and smile. Honestly, I'm smiling because of admiration. Sometimes I would join in, or even hype him up. We would sing louder than the radio. I can imagine the discomfort people feel at every stop. I love the car guards though. They often dance and sing along too. 

These are all memories though. Another person is living that life now. I wonder if they even catch that dimple at the corner of his smile. On the right side of his mouth. Is their height difference as perfect as our was? Do they know he dislikes alcohol but wouldn't say no when offered a glass? Do they force things on him? He hardly said no. Do they often hug his arm while walking together? He's quite shy, so walking with his partner in public is uncomfortable for him. I found that hugging his arm comforted him a bit. Especially in malls. I wonder if they secretly order his favorite meal on purpose. I used to enjoy giving him grief for snacking from my dish. He knew he'd get in trouble each time, but did it anyway. Honestly, I did it to keep from gaining too much weight. It's cute on social media when seeing foodie couples. It's not so cute when you start gaining weight.

I have nothing but love for him. Unfortunately, we had reached an inevitable point in our relationship. We grew up. We grew apart. We grew into different people. We mutually agreed to separate. A day I will never forget. He texted me asking to meet up. At this point we hadn't spoken for over a week, and I was neck deep in paperwork and deadlines. I felt a lump in my throat, I felt my stomach turn and I was livid. "Why did you text me!" I thought. I told him now was not a good time, and asked him to give me time. To which he agreed. About 3 weeks later I called him over for a meal, and I wanted to hear what he had to say. Oh boy! Little did I know. This is how it went:

Him: Thanks. The food was delicious.

Me:   Thank you.

. . .

Me:  So, you wanted to talk?

In all honesty and fairness I already knew where this was going. Besides, everyone knows it is never good when your partner says this. I felt weird, as if I was scared but also a little relived. Scared because at some point I loved this man so much I would have done illegal and shameful things, just to keep him happy and safe. Scared because I was about to be forced into admitting that I no longer see that man when I look at him. The relief probably came from the realisation that he would be responsible for ending it. All things considered, I still could not bear the thought of hurting him. I could not bear the though of disappointing and crushing him. 

Him: Yes, I want to talk about us. (A weird expression flashed across his face.)

Me:   What's up with the weird face? Are you ok?

He took my hand and pulled me closer without shifting his eyes from mine, he said:

 

Him:  I really cannot continue lying to you. I cannot carry on living like this! Baby      what we had was special. I will carry those memories with me always, and            when I look at the sky, memories of you will twinkle across it like a starry night. I really loved you. I loved everything about you. But over time those cute quirks    grew to annoy me. Over time I missed you less and less. I felt lonely at the thought of you. Today, your smile left me depressed and your smell broke my heart. I feel strongly for you still. I miss the you that blew up my phone and obsessed over our couple spar nights. I am deeply conflicted. I cannot give you the me that is not fully in. It turned into a speech, I am sorry. But please allow me to let you go. Allow me to rediscover you, to have us feel like the us we once were. Before the careers, the money, the constant work socials, and before the heavy ghosting. I need to remember that. I desperately do! (his eyes began to quiver and he let go of me) I know you feel it too. (his eyes dropped)

Me:    I don't know what to say. 

Him: Just be honest. That is all I want right now.

Me:  You are absolutely right. The feeling is somewhat mutual. We both neglected this relationship. Now it is fizzling out like an old flame, and the thick smoke is chocking us. I am glad I got to know the person behind my dopey admiration of his face. I would have done it had you not acted first. (Gently touching his face with a soft smile on my face) My shining and glimmering memory, I will never forget you. 

Two years later, I still have nothing but love and respect for him. A glimmering memory that still twinkles, illuminating the sky so ever radiantly.