Hidden in Plain Sight: Child Sexual Abuse in South Africa

Normalised child sexual abuse in South Africa

Please! Please! Please!

I care a lot about your overall health, and I would be devastated if my words brought you unintended harm in any way. Please note that this is an informative piece based on my own perceptions, research, and analysis of our society and how it constantly fails and neglects its children. This is in no way meant to offend or disrespect, only to educate and bring awareness. Sometimes, the community is nowhere to be found. So, if you, or anyone you know, may need safe and confidential help to assist you in dealing with the issues discussed in this article, please start with these suggestions. These are big and trusted organizations in the country, which have helped many people overcome difficult situations, and they can help you too. You will find links throughout the article for more specific help. Please reach out, help is available! 

Key Support Numbers:

• Childline South Africa:
  • Toll-free helpline: 116 (Available 24/7, free from all networks)
  • This is a crucial resource for children in need of assistance, especially those experiencing abuse.
• Child Welfare South Africa (CWSA):
  • Tel: 0861 4 CHILD (24453) / 011 452-4110
  • This organization focuses on child protection, care, and family development.
• Department of Social Development:
  • Gender-Based Violence Command Centre: 0800 428 428 (0800 GBV GBV)
  • SMS: 1207867#
  • This is a 24-hour call centre, providing support and counselling to victims of gender-based violence, which includes child abuse.
• SAPS (South African Police Service):
  • Emergency: 10111
  • For immediate danger, always contact the police.
• TEARS Foundation:
• Helpline: 1347355#
• This organisation helps those affected by domestic violence, sexual assault, and child sexual abuse.

Also, because this is such a delicate case I asked Gemini to review my article. That is because I want to be as upfront in reporting this as possible, but I also want to sensitive and human. I hope you find this article informative, but also strong enough to make you stand up and support organizations that work towards making South Africa a child friendly place. Our children have never been safe, even behind gates and secure communities. We were never safe as children, even shielded children cannot be protected from sexual exploitation. I want to raise children in a country that has zero tolerance for monsters parading as people, because they are everywhere. 

A nation of failed children

South Africa has normalised sexual abuse, and it has festered all the way to the children. Sexual abuse is disturbing and traumatising for both victims and their loved ones. The pain is a liquid feeling which constantly changes form, yet able to return to its original intensity with seamless ease. The transformation is sudden and often occurs multiple times a day. Being part of a victim's community can be very traumatic and stress educing as it sneakily becomes a lifelong part of you. An inescapable and unwelcomed life partner. Then, you the support become victims yourself, and the additional trauma compounds the former and the intensity births a new levels of hurt and complex emotions. With this in mind, why is it that South Africa has normalised the sexual abuse of children? If adults struggle to effectively deal with this trauma, why would children, with their innocence and lack of understanding, be expected to somehow cope? When these children grow up and finally understand what happened, their worlds and innocence inevitably crumble. Leading to the crushing realisation that no one cared enough to fight for their protection; which would beg the question, "Why would they now?" Leaving us with a country full of angry and lonely young adults. This normalisation of abuse, like many other societal issues, is often caused by social contracts that become ingrained in our culture.

Social contracts (an implicit agreement among the members of a society to cooperate for social benefits, for example by sacrificing some individual freedom for state protection. -Google Dictionary) appear in every nook and cranny of the world. Some are as fleeting as a measly one time bet. To being as massive as a nation's unwritten patriotic rules and expectations formed by its citizens. Such contracts inevitably get used so often that they, over time, seamlessly become part of everyday life. 

This highlights how something as innocent as an inside joke (like why everyone calls grandma 'glammy'), or a colloquial term (like 'Mabena/Slaap Tiger')  gets absorbed by children. If no one explains to them what they truly are, they consequently become part of  generational traditions, culture, and even societal and social norms. Which can be kept and honoured for generations. All because their developing view and understanding of the world could not distinguish fiction from truth. Now, imagine a guardian bragging to their friend about their risky sexual encounters and habits in the presence of children. Even if the parents try to rectify this, the damage would have already been done. This is the root of this article's problem: Children failing to understand that there are behaviours and actions which are sexually charged, and attract unwanted attention. Including attire, physical aesthetics (like makeup, hair, and nails) and language. This inevitably leaves them open to abuse and exploitation because once they gain that attention nowhere becomes safe. 

Protect the kids. Protect the future!

So, wtf is Porn and how does it tie in with this topic? 

Essentially, porn is recorded sexual material produced for adult consumption and gratification. There are two main categories of pornography which are: Hardcore pornography, which displays graphic sexual content depicting penetration and stimulation, commonly displayed and/or enjoyed in visual-audio format; and Softcore pornography, which is less graphic and considered to be more widely acceptable, as it is suggestive and does not display explicit sexual penetration and stimulation. With this being said, it is widely understood that any sexual content that is produced is not meant for child consumption or participation, nor are they expected to be exposed to it. Throughout the years, we have witnessed countless tv programs and even printed media being banned in multiple countries because of their sexual inappropriateness towards children. Sometimes it is errors in age  restrictions, to unregulated advertising theories like 'sex sells' that went too far for daytime/family time broadcast or consumption. 

If this is generally considered true then why are children participating in pornographic materials on adult websites? Furthermore, why are they able to easily access these  websites? As impressionable as they are, once they see their agemates engaging in these activities they naturally become curious and inevitably participate. It is important to note that on those websites it is often children with adult partners. The answer is that these websites do not  vet the videos and the people in them. So, a CSAM (Child Sexual Abuse Material, you can report it here) victim could easily find themselves on a shady website with millions of views. Other children are trafficking victims who have no power to stop their abuse, let alone speak. Which is why it is important to speak out against pornography for adults, because if more adults refuse to watch it the easier it will become to protect kids from it. We also need to start to reporting these sites and videos because they hide in plain sight. A video titled, "Bleeding virgin" could very well be literal. The uploader understands that people assume these videos are scripted and edited, they believe it will mask the fact that it is, in fact, a CSAM video.

Allegedly, many people have found their rape video online, including children and revenge porn victims, and the websites would not delete them, or they would leave the link open with the view count. Obvious proof that there was something there which could probably be found with enough determination, and apparently the uploader may be still be able to monetise it.

In South Africa, however, more drastic measures need to be taken to save our children. The term 'Blessers' has become trending and exploitative topic in the country. A Blesser is an old person, normally men, who solicits sex from children in exchange for money. People decorate it by calling it a relationship because, unlike prostitution, the social contract here is considered mutually beneficial. The woman gives the man the idea or feeling of being in a relationship with a 'Slay Queen' (a group of women who are considered most gorgeous and are often young), and the man affords her a luxurious lifestyle in return.

The central aspect is the slay queen part of the equation. These young girls understand that these men will not go for a girl who is not of that calibre and looks inexperienced, because she might get scared and report them. So, they adopt this slay queen persona which in turn affords  them a Blesser. Once a child gets entrapped in that cycle she is stuck. A predatory cycle of exploitation and manipulation, especially for first timers who happen to be children. It often starts with him taking her out, buying her alcohol, drugs, clothes, etc. He makes sure that her every need, specifically financial needs are met. This will make her indebted to him, and when he asks for sex he will subtly make it clear that she is indebted to him. So, even if he takes out his ring light and camera she cannot refuse. Young children do not stop to consider that it might be a honey trap. They also do not have the money to repay these men, or refuse to sleep with them. For young women it is easier for them to escape that trap because they have more life experiences, and they have actually built a community of matured and maturing people. Children, on the other hand, cannot even argue or defend their cases without being emotional and inarticulate. These predators understand that they don't even have communities, and their parents might even punish them if they were to find out their slay queening secrets. So, they trap them and easily force them into accepting compensation for sexual and physical abuse. They exploit children and money as justification, as it allows them to do this heinous act.

 

TMI SECTION

I used to consume porn. It was introduced to me in high school by someone I considered a friend. It began as an interest, but ended with me deciding to become celibate and refusing to consume anything that is sexually suggestive. I also habitually consume true crime content and content cantered around children and how to help them blossom in favourable environments. Here are some of the reasons why: 

• I felt like I was forced into participating in criminal activities. During lockdown the amateur category began to feel a little too real. Plus, the rainbow category was being pushed a little too hard. It got to a point where I stopped watching for entertainment or pleasure, and I began researching subconsciously. I knew something had shifted, and I noticed myself paying attention to the word choices used on titles and descriptions these videos. A quick google search will show you a number of activists and doctors deep diving on porn, porn sites, and how they are linked and even perpetuate child sex trafficking and financial gain on the production and distribution of CSAM. These sites give paedophiles communities and a sense of security and community. I think it is important to mention that I have since found out that even social media platforms deal in CSAM via group chats. They buy and sell CSAM and other rape content on social media, while we go there to laugh and get dance lessons. I have found that Telegram is the preferred social media platform for illegal, and often sexually exploitative site because of the level of security people get in those chats. I have never been on it, nor do I wish to. Upon realising that me consuming, even the obviously scripted and edited, porn videos was me basically rewarding abusers and encouraging them to continue. It broke my heart when it dawned on me just how vulnerable little boys actually are. It is time we boycotted these sited and urged the country to ban them all together. Protecting our children starts  with us protesting online before mobilising on the streets. Each time I think about what I was doing and how naïve I was I get ashamed. I feel as if though I helped victimise those people and I do not know how to apologize or repent outside raising awareness. I truly hope that all victims of CSAM and rape, whether their victimisation was broadcasted or not, find peace and that God shields them from further hurt. 
• Soft porn is not safe for anyone.  I got into porn via soft porn. Before that friend showed me where to go on the internet, I was greatly interested and curious to know. I expressed this to her, and I even asked her to direct me. An interest that rose from suggestions I got everywhere, even on tv programs which were deemed safe for children. I genuinely believe that the media is conditioning children and keeping hooked adults addicted. I should know, I fell victim to their trap. However, I have always been shy and timid, so having a Blesser was something that scared me a lot. Now, I cannot get one because they disgust me. Their 'practices' reek. It breaks my heart when I see that now-a-days soft porn content creators are allowed to post on social media where kids 'hang out', and they cross the boundary here and there and are allowed to do so. I genuinely hope that this OF rave does not reach our children. We really do need to band together in prayer and protest as a nation, because we need to show our kids that someone cared enough to ensure that they were safer than they were as children. 

The sick culture of paedophilia and rape in SA.

Right now it is easy to see how porn can lead to the sexualisation of children, and how it might transpire in South Africa. Upon understanding what a blesser is and what the social contract is around that concept, it is important to highlight that women can be blessers, but the rules change because they get attached easier. However, the mere fact that she is involved with a child and even engaging in sexual activities with him makes her a predator. No excuses should be made for her, and she deserves to be persecuted and held accountable. In poor families and communities children are encouraged to be in exploitative relationships and become burdened with taking care of the family financially. Simply put, some parents choose to exploit their children to escape poverty, example 6 year old Joslin Smith who was allegedly trafficked by her mother, and recently baby Kutloano who was allegedly sold for 75 thousand Rands. These are reported cases that gained huge media coverage, but what about the little girls and boys who never get to share their stories or have their abusers be held accountable before the people and the state? 

Social media has seen the unofficial, but seemingly globally accepted, name given to South Africa as the home of big boodies and beautiful women. In fact, a post that has the words 'South Africa' gains significant traction because there seems to be a general interest in South Africa world wide. However, the locals already knew this. Not only that, local predators and exploiters have perfected the art of subtly using cultural norms and already established social contracts to abuse the most vulnerable (the poor, children, and the elderly) sexually and even selling the abuse for profit. Which, given the recent interest in the country, It is easy to assume that this exploitative form of making money has grown significantly. A good example is the shocking Case of Darren Wilken and Tiona Moodley who were allegedly reported in the USA by a child that came across their CSAM (Chid Sexual Abuse Material) website to the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation). While I assume most parents would do anything to protect their children from their abusers, reality tells me that with the way the economy is today, we must expect more Joslin and Kutloano cases in the news and in our courts. Social media platforms also inform me as much, because when teenagers (I hope they are all at least in their late teens) tell their 'Story Times' my blood runs cold sometimes. Even adult story times are unsettling because these people should understand that social media is easily accessible to kids, there are children all over social media. A story time telling us about their sexual escapades and what they bought you, and even a 'how to' should at the very least be opened with disclaimers letting children and parents know that no child should be listening to this right now. 

However, I cannot ignore the wonderful looking glass social media has been for me regarding this topic. I have limited exposure to gay communities, and the few people I knew were not close enough to approach and ask questions. I was also the nerdy chubby kid who did not fit the South African beauty standards. So, I never had the chance be around girls and their Blesser/sugar daddy topics. I only got that chance when I got to varsity and stared exploring my interests and curiosities more. I learnt that the LGBTQIA+ communities in South Africa are potentially far more exploitative than normal heterosexual relations. Young boys in South Africa could potentially be in far more danger than girls because of the community's tendencies towards secrecy. When a child discovers that he might be attracted to men, the shame and secrecy also manifest because legally it is ok to be gay and proud, but the reality is far from it. These predatory men already know this, they know that the majority of boys who do accept their advances are probably closeted and have every reason to keep the relationship a secret. (If you need  help, a listening ear, a community, or just information click the links. Help on those links is not limited to LGBTQIA+ communities, but has special emphasis on them.) Some online experts and doctors often claim that overly sexual children are a result of/indicate sexual abuse. One does not need to be an expert to instinctively assume this. How can an adult perceive a child displaying disturbing sexual and sexually charged behaviour and motives and not get concerned? Instead they opt to indulge this disturbing behaviour? 

  

Once I understood a little bit more on this topic many things began to dawn on me. Very nuanced things that I failed to notice growing up. Little did I know that they stemmed from child sexualisation, and that they robbed many of us our childhood. Sexualizing children is effectively robbing them of their childhood. And the points in this paragraph are how society perpetuates them even in their adulthood. Especially those who go out of their way to mimic and praise them beyond normalcy.  I used to think that short people, specifically women, were very adorable and I even wished I was short. I failed to realise that this was associating grown people with children or child like features. That height is easily associated with children. I must admit, for most people there is nothing wrong with preferring short people. I do not have anything against this preference. However, I have noticed that some men who openly agree to liking short women often end up dating significantly younger women too. Implying that they would cross that line if she happens to be child. Their height does appear to link with that proximity to children, especially if she has chubby cheeks. This, in turn, leads to many women absolutely refusing to grow up or even look their age. A common phrase I heard on the internet was, "Gen Z'ers" look older their age" and, "Millennials refuse to admit that they look like the old people they are." I believe this came from the American saying, "black don't crack unless you smoke it." This topic birthed a whole new area of discussion on the internet about aging women. That was where I learnt about Lolita. A very disturbing movie, but it brought to my attention a neglected topic: White women  have historically been subjected to sexualization and exploitation. The sexualization of that girl and how it played out was just a more blatant display of what Hollywood in the 90s and 2000s dressed up and put a nice little bow on top. It also showed us how, even as old and matured women, they refused to let go of this stereotype because it was mostly indoctrinated in everyone. All races. Making it the dream appearance, but also putting their children in so much danger. Which is a terrifying thought. That pink nipple and blonde hair is found in children. Reminder, I am not familiar with the physical characteristics of white people, so this information is mostly from white women on the internet.  However, apparently, as children they often have more blushed nipples and cheeks, and their hair is much lighter, aka blonde. Yet, as they grow older and play in the sun or tan they gain melanin. The blush pink nipples and cheeks become darker to adapt to their climates. The same thing goes for their hair colour. In Europe though, they hardly face this problem because they are still experiencing long winters and short summers. While some people in warmer and even hot climates remain blonde regardless. This is also deeply regarded as the purest form and is sacred, "blonde hair and blue eyes" is common in children and Europe, allegedly. So, makeup looks that have pink cheeks either imitate children or blushing. Which are objectively both very sexual in nature.

Healthy sexual conduct

Healthy sexual conduct is consensual and does not harm anyone involved. The harm can be intentionally harming someone physically, or using sex to harm and manipulate them mentally or emotionally. Sex is preached between married couples because then understanding is that you marry someone you love and want to protect. They also reciprocate and between you two there are no secrets or ill intentions. Once this has been established you may have sex and bind yourselves to each other spiritually. Once this tie is made the love and trust gets deepened. It becomes a problem when only one person has true intentions because after sex they are the one to crash and burn. 

As much we want to protect our precious children, we also must remove the veil over our eyes. Our children are almost certainly sexually active. The issue is with who, and in what ways? In South Africa we have a real pandemic of teenage pregnancies, especially in black and coloured communities. These facts we simply cannot ignore. We also need to teach people about Safe Sex Practices, and healthy ways to address sexual topics with children. We also need to teach people about what Healthy and Safe  sexual conduct is, with the different religions and culture considered and respected. 

Healthy sexual conduct is not limited to consensual sex between peers. This is typically considered a normal and expected relationship, and these people choose their mates with the idea or hope of many firsts together. Other times it is a sexual agreement where both parties are in it for the pleasure and self-gratification reasons. This type of agreement often requires them to be incredibly honest, especially about their sexual history and preferences, STD and STI statuses included. However, it is not not limited to this kind of pair. Yes, it is the more culturally expected pair, but it isn't as common in reality. Like, non-peers. Most couples have shocking age differences, while other people just prefer to have sexual intercourse with more matured people or younger people. These preferences are absolutely normal. What is not normal is having fantasies about young boys or girls. Or, as a child fantasizing about old people and not focusing on your future. Morally speaking, no one under the age of 21 should be dating anyone who is 3+ years older than them. Legally, the age of consent is 16 in South Africa. Clearly our state currently has laws that enable this. 

Though sex is typically a two person activity, sometimes people enjoy multi-something sex. Multi-person, also known as three+somes and orgies, multi-racial, and multi-cultural. These kinds of people and activities are often results of kinks. Kinks introduces many 'out of the norm' practices during sex. For example, multi-something relationships and sexual practices are often a taboo because race often means that you grow up around people who look like you, become accustomed to them, marry one of them and produce babies that look like them. One person, one race, same babies. Anything else is just taboo and modern. Taboo and modern is the essence of the word kink. "Oh, it's this new thing the kids are doing." 

While on the topic of kinks, kinks often go hand in hand with foreplay. Foreplay typically includes masturbation, stimulation, and teasing. Done safely, none of these can be harmful. However, they do have the potential to scar someone forever. Especially when they are being introduced to risky and sadistic kinks. This is why communication and eye contact is imperative during kinky sex, and safe words during risky sadistic sex. Which is why it is important to speak about everything thoroughly before engaging in it, and ensuring that the after care is especially attentive and soft until they know what they like and don't like with this type of sex.  

At the end of the day your safety and sexual safety is in your hands. A fact I suspect our little humans know very little of. Which is why I beg that each and every one of us fight to protect them. I do believe that it is better to have a child hate you for protecting them, than to have them love you whilst putting them in danger. What matters is who they become once they grow up. Grown up isn't an age but a point of maturity that isn't dictated by time or physical representation. 

Stay safe. I love you.

M_D